Almost

May it be so on this the Feast of the Holy Family. And on every other day besides…

At Christmas
by Edgar Guest

A man is at his finest towards the finish of the year;
He is almost what he should be when the Christmas season is here;
Then he’s thinking more of others than he’s thought the months before,
And the laughter of his children is a joy worth toiling for.
He is less a selfish creature than at any other time;
When the Christmas spirit rules him he comes close to the sublime.

When it’s Christmas man is bigger and is better in his part;
He is keener for the service that is prompted by the heart.
All the petty thoughts and narrow seem to vanish for awhile
And the true reward he’s seeking is the glory of a smile.
Then for others he is toiling and somehow it seems to me
That at Christmas he is almost what God wanted him to be.

If I had to paint a picture of a man I think I’d wait
Till he’d fought his selfish battles and had put aside his hate.
I’d not catch him at his labors when his thoughts are all of pelf,
On the long days and the dreary when he’s striving for himself.
I’d not take him when he’s sneering, when he’s scornful or depressed,
But I’d look for him at Christmas when he’s shining at his best.

Man is ever in a struggle and he’s oft misunderstood;
There are days the worst that’s in him is the master of the good,
But at Christmas kindness rules him and he puts himself aside
And his petty hates are vanquished and his heart is opened wide.
Oh, I don’t know how to say it, but somehow it seems to me
That at Christmas man is almost what God sent him here to be.

How to be

Photo courtesy of Maker’s Mark Facebook page.

There are few things as enjoyable as sitting outside on a cool autumn twilight and enjoying a glass of bourbon, whether with company or in solitude. It is one of the many small things that makes this my favorite time of year.

Southern writer Walker Percy wrote a terrific essay titled “Bourbon, Neat” that I became aware of while reading Michael Baruzzini at First Things this morning. I admit that the title is what caught my eye: “Walker Percy, Bourbon, and the Holy Ghost.” I mean, how could I not read something with that headline? Baruzzini delivers with a provocative column on the question of how to be in a particular time and place. It is all too easy to fall prey to the hustle and bustle of the world where we run around but accomplish little, or feel overwhelmed and numbed by the overpowering media messages of the day. It’s easy to get lost. What to do?

Percy slyly suggests that bourbon is the answer. No, not in the sense of drowning sorrows in alcoholic stupor, but in recognizing that it is in concrete things and acts that we are able to be in the world.

What he is talking about is something I’ve written of before as well. Moments. Of being, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well, right where we are and finding ways to do things that keep us grounded in that place and time where we have been placed by God. A gifted writer I once knew referred to this as marking the moment. Percy’s choice was to enjoy a bourbon. Baruzzini offers other ways, all of them worthy, to make the moments real.

Looking to the concrete helps us discover the Christian notion of sacramentality. It is in water that we are born again; it is with bread and wine that we encounter Christ in the flesh in today’s world. It is these things that make our Christianity more than an academic exercise. So Percy would answer Barrett’s question by saying: just do it. It is Wednesday afternoon and you are a Christian: sing a song of praise, or go to Mass and eat God’s flesh. You are a loving husband, so kiss your wife. You are a father: play catch with your son or help him with his homework. You are a man at the end of a day of work: make a cocktail. If you want to be these things—a husband, a father, a son of God—there are things to do to make it real.

You can read the whole Percy essay here (and I encourage you to do so as it’s not that long). I’ve pulled a few of my favorite bits from it and placed them below.

Ever have a piece of writing literally sing to you? This one did. Bravo, Mr. Percy.

What, after all, is the use of not having cancer, cirrhosis, and such, if a man comes home from work every day at five-thirty to the exurbs of Montclair or Memphis and there is the grass growing and the little family looking not quite at him but just past the side of his head, and there’s Cronkite on the tube and the smell of pot roast in the living room, and inside the house and outside in the pretty exurb has settled the noxious particles and the sadness of the old dying Western world, and him thinking: “Jesus, is this it? Listening to Cronkite and the grass growing?”

<snip>

If I should appear to be suggesting that such a man proceed as quickly as possible to anesthetize his cerebral cortex by ingesting ethyl alcohol, the point is being missed. Or part of the point. The joy of bourbon drinking is not the pharmacological effect of the C2H5OH on the cortex but rather the instant of the whiskey being knocked back and the little explosion of Kentucky U.S.A. sunshine in the cavity of the nasopharynx and the hot bosky bite of Tennessee summertime—aesthetic considerations to which the effect of the alcohol is, if not dispensable, at least secondary.

<snip>

Bourbon does for me what the piece of cake did for Proust.

<snip>

1935: Drinking at a football game in college. UNC versus Duke. One has a blind date. One is lucky. She is beautiful. Her clothes are the color of the fall leaves and her face turns up like a flower. But what to say to her, let alone what to do, and whether she is “nice” or “hot”—a distinction made in those days. But what to say? Take a drink, by now from a proper concave hip flask (a long way from the Delta Coke bottle) with a hinged top. Will she have a drink? No, but that’s all right. The taste of bourbon (Cream of Kentucky) and the smell of her fuse with the brilliant Carolina fall and the sounds of the crowd and the hit of the linemen in the single synthesis.

As Baruzzini writes in the final paragraph of his article, bourbon was for Percy a way to be for a moment in the evening. It “incarnates the evening” and marks the shift “from the active workday to a reflective time at home.”

So tonight after work, shut off the television and the SmartPhone. Play with your kids. Sit on the porch with a book. Or a bourbon. Talk with your spouse, significant other, your neighbor, or with God. Do something to mark the moment in your life. Reflect upon your day if even for a few minutes. Then, as Baruzzini writes: “Praise God, and be.”

100 Things Every Man Should Know and Be Able to Do

“25 Skills Every Man Should Know,” was the title of a recent article found in Popular Mechanics. I don’t usually read this magazine, but in this instance I could not help but wonder: “hmmm…what is it that men should know?” So, soon enough I found myself reading the article online. Apparently these are the skills men should possess.

So are these 25 skills really the skills that men should know? Are these the skills that make men “men?” I am not sure, but it got me to thinking: “What else would I add to this list were I leaving it for my sons?” What follows is my initial effort that is a combination of various sources I’ve found online or culled from my own mind. I decided to stop at 100 after I had initially reached over 170. I have kept around 14 of the original 25 from Popular Mechanics. I see this list as never being finalized so much as a work in constant progress. Of course, as a Catholic, mine will include an item or two that a non-Catholic would omit.

This is my list of 100 Things Every Man Should Know and Be Able to Do.

1. Remember that your character is who you are when no one is looking.
2. Do all that you can to protect your good name.
3. Be accountable.
4. Be open to investigating a religious vocation, even if you don’t ultimately join.
5. Attend Mass at least once a week and participate in the Sacraments.
6. Know how to pray a Rosary and actually pray/meditate on it.
7. Change a diaper so that the baby is cleaner and you are no dirtier than when you started.
8. Use a soldering iron to fix a loose connection.
9. Be able to cook one signature dish.
10. Write three coherent, connected, and grammatically correct paragraphs. If it’s really necessary, you should be able to repeat the process well enough to add three more. Unless you have a job that requires extensive writing, that’s probably all you’ll ever need to get by.
11. Differentiate between various types of mortgages and insurances and know which one is best for your situation.
12. Make and follow a budget so that you can get out of, and stay out of, debt.
13. Tell a spellbinding (though not necessarily true) story.
14. Survive in water for at least a few minutes without drowning. 71 percent of the earth’s surface is covered by water. You’re bound to fall into it sometime.
15. Know basic first aid and the four lifesaving steps: stop the bleeding, start the breathing, protect the wound, treat for shock.
16. Be able to give, and receive, a great compliment.
17. Tell a joke that is (a) clean, and (b) funny.
18. Make a brief, informative speech in public without having an anxiety attack and/or using PowerPoint.
19. Recite the Ten Commandments from memory. If you remember them, it’s easier to follow them; if you follow them you’ll avoid about 90 percent of the self-inflicted damage that will screw up your life.
20. Carry on a conversation with someone who bores you to tears.
21. Recognize when you are boring someone to tears; listen more than you speak.
22. Make a plan for the first 24 hours after a zombie apocalypse. Sounds silly but you’d be surprised how much you can learn about yourself by thinking through unlikely scenarios.
23. Drive (and push-start) a car with a manual transmission.
24. Grow food; even if you never owned a vegetable garden, you need to understand the basic theory of how to grow food. When the zombie apocalypse happens, you’re going to be hungry.
25. Load, shoot, and clean a firearm.
26. Physically protect your loved ones and be willing to risk life and limb if necessary to keep them safe.
27. Lead your family in prayer.
28. Cogently explain and defend your most fundamental beliefs, preferably without raising your voice.
29. Take harsh criticism without being defensive, and endure an insult with grace.
30. Differentiate between love and lust, and avoid the latter.
31. Recognize wisdom and always pursue it.
32. Write a love letter. Not a love text. Or a love e-mail. A love letter.
33. Avoid the Three A’s That Ruin Your Life: Anger, Abuse and Apathy.
34. Physically build something in your life – a deck, a birdhouse, a bookcase, a Pinewood Derby car, whatever. Just build something.
35. Service your car, including: Changing the oil, jump-starting a car when necessary, changing a tire.
36. Tie a necktie.
37. Knots. Know them, and be able to at least tie the basics: square knot, bowline, cleat knot, and the sheep shank.
38. Protect your computer and back up data.
39. Rescue a boater who has capsized.
40. Frame a wall.
41. Back up a trailer.
42. Build a campfire.
43. Fix a dead outlet.
44. Navigate with a map and compass.
45. Sharpen a knife.
46. Fillet a fish.
47. Maneuver a car out of a skid.
48. Get a car unstuck.
49. Mix concrete.
50. Paddle a canoe.
51. Fix a bike flat.
52. Read a book with more words than pictures, and develop/grow your own “library” of books, even if only a dozen.
53. Haggle/barter with a salesmen.
54. Be able to converse with, and comfort, a child. Real men can converse at length without condescension.
55. Men should be able to quote extensively, and in the proper situation, from a manly movies: The Godfather I, II; Patton; Casablanca; most Clint Eastwood or John Wayne movies, etc. Not necessarily all manly movies, but their own personal repertoire.
56. Men generally do not cry at movies. There are exceptions of course.
57. Be able to give an honest but generous eulogy on the death of a friend or loved one, that acknowledges the Imago Dei in all of us.
58. Produce more than you consume.
59. Teach your children to love and serve God.
60. Instill in your children a sense of right, wrong, honor, duty, loyalty, and faithfulness.
61. Make your wife and children feel safe; and make them laugh.
62. Teach your children that success is earned, not given.
63. Know the basics of how to throw, catch and hit a baseball.
64. Chop wood efficiently.
65. Be familiar with and able to quote Scripture and know how to apply it to your life. See especially Psalm 118:8 and Luke 12:48.
66. Love the mother of your children and tell your children that you love them.
67. Resist temptation.
68. Teach a boy that there’s a difference between looking and leering.
69. Teach a girl to not give boys a reason to leer.
70. Be able to go deep into the woods, not get lost, and survive at least 24 hours.
71. Be unafraid to correct other people’s children (especially relatives) when they act badly.
72. Use and service a lawn mower and/or snowblower.
73. Know how to score a baseball game on a proper scorecard. Then teach a young boy/girl how to do so.
74. Be able to practice self-discipline and self-control even in difficult circumstances.
75. Be able to be right without arrogance; strong without violence, successful without dishonesty.
76. Be able to admit when you’ve made a mistake.
77. Be able to both lead and follow with grace and humility.
78. Have the wit to solve problems and the grit to right a wrong.
79. Find the breaker box and reset the breaker or replace the fuse.
80. Turn off the water main.
81. Fix a leaky toilet.
82. Find candles and flashlights when the power goes out.
83. Remain calm and act effectively in an emergency.
84. Sew a button and iron a shirt.
85. Know how to use the basic power and hand tools. Chainsaw, circular saw, hand saw, screwdriver, wrenches, pliers, hammer, etc.
86. Be able to stop after one beer.
87. Wear a baseball cap in the proper orientation.
88. Be able to tell his children ‘no’ when they need it.
89. Sing the national anthem from memory, and be familiar with the important documents in our nation’s history, For example: The Constitution, The Declaration of Independence, The Federalist Papers, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.
90. If you live in the Northern Hemisphere, you should be able, using the two pointer stars in the Big Dipper, to spot the North Star, and know how to identify directions using it for reference.
91. When walking with a woman or your children on a sidewalk, you walk on the outer side, i.e. nearer the street.
92. Be able to ask a woman to dance.
93. Keep your word.
94. Shake hands firmly while looking that person in the eye.
95. Fend off a physical attack on your person, as well as a full-scale invasion of Colorado by Soviet and Cuban troops.
96. Stand up for what’s right even if you’re the only one to do so.
97. Parallel park.
98. Be willing and able to teach all of the above.
99. Tell your dad you love him.
100. Be willing to do the “little things”.

And a few things you should NEVER do: Tug on Superman’s cape. Spit into the wind. Pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger. Mess around with Jim. And never shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Men need to learn more than just a list of mechanical skills. There is an element of sacrifice – of chivalry – involved in true manhood that is greatly overlooked today, and needs to be re-cultivated. Men may be learning how to rescue a boater who is capsized, but I think they should get back to learning how to rescue girls in towers.

And if this list is too long, a man can simplify things down to what Robert Heinlein said:

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”

Laughing at Men

Today a friend sent me a collection of jokes making fun of the ineptitude of men.  Here’s one of them:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided  to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied.   ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘OHIO STATE!’

And they say blondes are dumb.…

The jokes were funny, and I got a kick out of them, but on the other hand they were depressing, since they are a slander on so many good men. I suppose there are plenty of men like the ones in the jokes, but I don’t know many, and was not raised as one of them. I did not forward this line of jokes on to any of my friends.

I’m tired of the characterization of men by popular culture as an assortment of donut-cramming, drooling, drunken, bumbling rubes with our hands down our pants, stumbling through life. Thanks to Al Bundy, Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin and any number of television shows or commercials this is the image being portrayed. Now I will not sit here and deny that there are men who generally will fit that description, but to paint with as broad a brush as the media does serves no favors to anyone. Instead you have women asking “is there a real man out there?” The world is left with little boys having no knowledge of a man to model themselves after, little girls without a strong male presence in their lives, and men who have decided to just give up and live down to expectations. And I’m sick of it.

One day, years from now, my little girl will start to date. I will be older then and in my mid-fifties. Well before she brings one home for me to meet she will have learned to discern between a man and a joke-man. She is already seeing the modeling not just from me, but from my friends, from her uncles, and even her older teenage brother. She will not be prone to bringing one home for me to meet. And if one does sneak through the cracks I will flesh him out and expose the truth. Better she learn early than after it’s too late. I am friends with a woman in Texas who with her husband have raised two amazing and beautiful daughters. One of them is engaged. I simply cannot imagine either of these young ladies settling for a joke-man. And if she had, I can imagine that both her father AND her mother would have had a long talk with her. I also have a friend in southern California whose two young teenaged daughters also know the difference. Both couples know. The mom’s, Angela and Chris, would never want that for their daughters. Both ladies married real men, Bill and Doug. Actually, the joke-men/boys would not hold up under the scrutiny of these young ladies fathers. Joke-men never do.

Men who have been taught, and who believe, that they are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for her, do not refuse to use vacuum cleaners, mops, washing machines, or stoves. They do not leave the discipline of the children to their wives—a cowardly and shameful practice—or insist on being waited on by consorts they treat as idiots or slaves. They seek to marry the kind of women who value them as men, whose opinions are worth listening to, and whom they can trust completely with everything. Then they seek to do the most they can to make their lives happy. Of course they lapse into selfishness from time to time, but these are not the joke-men; these are men who love their wives as their own flesh, make and keep their vows to them, draw close to them and love them. There are many of them in the world, and the Faith teaches that all Christian husbands are to be among them.

No doubt, though, there are feminists fond of the joke-man—who needs him like an eskimo needs a swimsuit, is the inferior, the incompetent, the heedless, the foolish, the improvident, the helpless, the selfish, the lazy, and the stupid. But the man who seeks to obey God in his treatment of women, and especially of his wife, is none of these. He exalts her by helping her—which includes increasing his field of competence—while the believing wife gladly lifts him up as the lord of her home, her family, and her self. This is not an impossible ideal. By the grace of God it is lived out every day among millions.

And of course, there are the lazy clods themselves who prefer to propagate this stereotype. I suspect they’re mostly college age males or those who never grew up. I’ve met a few of them and almost all of them have heard my opinion regarding their actions: “Man up.”