If ESPN was covering the Conclave

Because like everyone else I’m watching the events in Rome.

Because the secular media has pretty much given me even more heartburn than usual.

And because I had 20 minutes to kill this afternoon after hatching this idea with a buddy as we took a walk around the skywalks at work today.


Brent Musberger: “You are looking LIVE at beautiful downtown Vatican City in the heart of Rome, Italy! I’m Monsignor Musberger here in our booth located in the papal balcony to bring you all the action of this historic conclave. With me in the booth is John Madden, Stuart Scott, and Dick Vitale. John, whaddya got for us before kicking this thing off?”

John Madden (drawing onscreen with Telestrator): “You’re not a monsignor, Brent. Anyhow, after breakfast the cardinals will go to the Pauline Chapel for Mass, then to the Sistine Chapel for two ballots (Whap! Boom!) and then it’s over to the Domus Santae Marthae for lunch. After lunch it’s an out route to the Palazzo Apostolico and then a cut back to the Sistine Chapel for two more votes, Vespers, and then BOOM! back once again to the Domus Santae Marthae for dinner, social hours and a little Jeopardy. The way I see it though, for the Cardinals to win this thing they’ve got to find a way to get the ball into the hands of their best playmaker on the field, wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald.”

madden at the vatican

Stuart Scott: “Booyah!”

Ghost of Harry Caray: “Hey everybody! It’s a beautiful day at (covers microphone)…say, where the hhhhhhh-ell are we? (Uncovers mic) at O’Reilly’s Italian Restaurant located on North Sedgwick in Chi—”

Musberger: “Excuse me Harry, we’re in Rome. Rome, Italy.”

Caray: “Whaaaa–?”

Madden: “You see Harry, you needed to take the 615 out of O’Hare and go deep on a post pattern across the Atlantic Ocean and way over here to this boot shaped country over here. Then—”

Stuart Scott: “Booyah!”

Musberger (glaring at Scott): “Would you shut up with that?”

Dick Vitale: “Better get a TO baby! But wait a second…you don’t even fly Johnny! You take the Madden cruiser, baby! How did you even get over here? Seriously though, all eyes are on Cardinal Thottunkal from India, Brent. He’s a diaper dandy at age 53, baby, and knows how to dish the rock. Hey! If he’s elected pope, he’ll be the rock. Cuz Jesus built His Church on the Rock, baby! He’s a real P.T.P….that’s a Prime Time Pope…and will be an early favorite to watch as they narrow it down to the Sweet Sistine.”

Scott: “Ah yeah! Dick’s representin’. But the American contingent thinks Cardinal Dolan is as cool as the other side of the pillow. Can I get a witness from the congregation?”

Musberger (ignoring Scott): “That’s an excellent point Dick. Say, John, could you direct your Telestrator over the to the crowd gathering in the piazza? I think I see the gorgeous girlfriend of Alabama quarterback A.J McCarron. Would you take a look at her? Quarterbacks get all the girls. So to all you aspiring football players in the audience if you want to date someone gorgeous like Miss Webb you’ve got to learn to play quarterback…”

harry on the papal balconyVitale: “Or don’t become a priest, baby!!!”

Scott: “Booyah, Dickie V!!”

Everyone: “Shut! Up!”

Scott: “Hey y’all. Don’t playa hate. Congratulate.”

Caray (leaning over the papal balcony and gesturing to the crowd gathered below): “Hey! Let me hear ya now! Ah one. Ah two. Ah three. Take…me out to the conclave. Take me out to the crowd…”


Anyhow, if the media’s gonna continue to butcher this milestone in the history of the Church I’d like to see this happen instead.


2 thoughts on “If ESPN was covering the Conclave

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