87 Days – The Musical!

I get stuck. I write. I take time off. I get an idea and add it to the outline. I pray. I start to write. I get stuck. I take time off.

I’m one of those 80s kids who could make a mean mix tape. I started with a Panasonic dual cassette boombox recording songs off of Casey Kasem’s American Top 40 radio show on Sunday nights. In college I had begun to build a multi-component stereo system (Technics speakers, amplifier/radio, Sanyo dual cassette deck, a Sanyo turntable and a Technics CD player) and became very proficient. Armed with CDs, cassettes, albums and TDK blank cassettes I loved to put together a mixed bag of music to listen to while “cruising the drag” in my hometown of Schuyler, Nebraska, and to share those tapes with friends who themselves would put a mix of music together.

All of this was to culminate in my magnum opus, a mix of music I dubbed “…and the Pope will tap dance” complete with an ink sketch I’d drawn on the blank tape’s paper insert of Pope John Paul II in his cassock and mitre, dancing a jig while holding his staff. I was not Catholic at the time and by no means at all did I mean it in any disrespect. He was drawn with a wry smile and twinkling eyes in the way that I as a Protestant saw him: a happy warrior for Christ. The masterpiece on this tape was a 20+ minute mix that contained 5-10 second snippets from every song on the first three CDs by the Kansas City area band “The Rainmakers”. They melded seamlessly together and the lyrics all just sort of “fit” and I was ridiculously proud of that mix. I gifted it to buddies of mine who were a year behind me in college. I had graduated the year before in 1990 and this was to be my swan song when it came to mixing music. The incredibly quick demise of cassettes and then CDs assured that. I don’t even have a turntable or a cassette deck in my house or my cars anymore.

I guess it should come as no surprise then that the first glimpse of what I’ve been trying to write down is going to be expressed through a musical hodge-podge of my experience. These are songs and selected lyrics that will take you from the day I was diagnosed and shortly thereafter admitted into the isolation unit, to my struggles with realizing with the passing of each day that I was getting worse, to my complete confession to Fr. Steele and his anointing me with holy oil, and then my descent into the blackness of the first intubation. I would awaken nine days later and be weaned from the ventilator a few days later. Then came the intense paranoia, hallucinations, terror, and what I thought was my collapse into madness. Peace came, along with having received Last Rites, and an encounter with God. A second intubation, an incredibly powerful prayer experience on my birthday of January 1st, and the tracheostomy that would save my life followed. An eventual removal from the ventilator a second time, being too weak to move, sit or stand, rehab, intense therapy, and eventually coming home. God winks/moments and encounters with so many just incredible people throughout.

See why it’s taking me so long to write this down?

So I have an outline. I have a lot of it there. I just need to organize it into something that flows well enough to be interesting and easy to follow.

Music is so much easier.

So because I have become highly proficient over the last six years in using video and iMovie on my iPhone (recording and splicing video of my son playing baseball) I decided to use it to create a mix tape of the “soundtrack” I had begun to compose in my bed during the last few weeks of rehab in January and February of 2022. Eighty-five percent of the songs and specific lyrics came to me during that time period and in the first weeks I was at home and limited to my recliner and ever-present oxygen. I compiled it as a tool to help me organize my thoughts and to outline the book. I also thought each set of lyrics would make a nice intro at the start of every chapter, though I suspect copyright laws/permissions would squash that out of the gate.

I would be remiss if I did not mention that a lot of these lyrics came to my mind during periods of silent prayer. They just barged in, rattled around the joint awhile until I noticed, and inserted themselves. The lyrics to these songs are meant to express my voice and thoughts, the voice of God in His speaking to me and in the voice of my wife who was a constant on this journey. There are a few other persons in there too I’m sure.

I listen to this mix often on my commute to or from work. It isn’t always easy. Depending on my mood there are a few places that can make me uncomfortable. With each listening however it does seem to get easier. There is such therapeutic tonic in music. And being a storyteller I have always loved a good lyric. I wasn’t sure if I was going to compile this or not until I spoke with an old, dear friend of mine who I’ve known since those heady days of mix tapes. She used to make them too, and we shared one or two back in the early 90s and always seemed to be on a very similar wavelength music-wise. She has found herself starting over at the age of 50, having gone through a divorce, and a few months ago she shared with me through Apple Music a playlist (a modern term for the outdated “mix tape”) that she had created for comfort as she struck out on her own again. After I’d created mine I shared it with her and she quite astutely immediately picked up on what I was saying through Peter Gabriel’s lyrics in Solsbury Hill.

I must pause here to point out that playlists are dangerous things because there is no limit to the number of songs or length as there were with the old TDK90 minute cassettes. You had to choose your songs carefully so they fit on a side. The worse feeling in the world was when you still had a few more seconds or minutes to go on that last song you were dubbing onto the mix tape and having the Record button pop up because you’d reached the end of the tape. The frustrated moans of many an 80s kid can still be heard floating around in the air over almost every part of this nation. For comparison my list is compiled of 47 songs that would equal 3 hours and 52 minutes of listening. My friend’s list is comprised of 125 songs and is 9 hours and 20 minutes long. Quite impressive!

I find that since my experience two years ago I am an absolute klutz at speaking to people and have a terribly frustrating and embarrassing time trying to convey thoughts on the fly. I’ve become quite the imbecile and for a social communicator like myself who loves and welcomes conversation with friends it’s torture. Ironically no such issues exist when I type. I’ve typed all of the above in fifteen minutes and have yet to back up or delete anything. Of course perhaps I should, and definitely will be using an editor once my book draft is complete. But this is the easiest way for me to express myself.

In the typewritten word. And in music.

It took me only a few hours over the course of two days to complete this mix on my iPhone using iMovie. So why can’t I finish this book? Until I do, this 28 minutes of music will have to suffice. In all seriousness I do hope that it somehow and in some way brings some semblance of peace or solace to someone who needs to hear it. That is my prayer.

Rich Mullins, Calling Out Your Name (The World as Best as I Remember It, Volume One). 1992
Well the moon moved past Nebraska
And spilled laughter on them cold Dakota Hills
And angels danced on Jacob’s stairs
Yeah, they danced on Jacob’s stairs
There is this silence in the Badlands
And over Kansas the whole universe was stilled
By the whisper of a prayer
The whisper of a prayer

Maria McKee, Why Wasn’t I More Grateful (You Gotta Sin to Get Saved). 1993
Some people want and want and want what they don’t have 
‘Til it keeps ‘em awake at night in their bed just twitchin’ 
Some people like to complain about ev’ry little thing 
Some folks just never stop bitchin’ 

Rush, The Pass (Presto). 1989
All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars

Hothouse Flowers, The Older We Get (People). 1988
The older we get, the farther we see
The more we mean to each other
The more you mean to me

Nanci Griffith, The Sun, Moon and Stars (Late Night Grande Hotel). 1991
The sun, the moon and the stars
They make the wind blow
It took me twenty years to understand
But lost to me are how the lives of friends go
Like autumn leaves in Oklahoma wind

Collective Soul, The World I Know (Collective Soul). 1995
Are we listening
To hymns of offering?
Have we eyes to see
That love is gathering?
All the words that I’ve been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one, into one

The Kinks, Lost and Found (Think Visual). 1986
This thing is bigger than the both of us 
It’s gonna put us in our place 
We’re gonna see what really matters 
When you see that storm stare us in the face

Rich Mullins (feat. Amy Grant), Nothing Is Beyond You (The Jesus Record). 1998
If I should shrink back from the light
So I can sink into the dark
If I take cover and I close my eyes
Even then You would see my heart

And You’d cut through all my pain and rage
The darkness is not dark to You
And night’s as bright as day

Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush, Don’t Give Up (So). 1986
Rest your head
You worry too much
It’s going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don’t give up
Please don’t give up

Genesis, Fading Lights (We Can’t Dance). 1991
We know some time we must reach the final page
Still we carry on just pretending
That there’ll always be one more day to go

Rich Mullins, Hold Me Jesus (Rich Mullins). 1986
Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down I’m falling on my knees

Roger Waters, Comfortably Numb 2022 (The Lockdown Sessions). 2022
Relax
I’ll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying

Johnny Cash, The Man Comes Around (American IV: The Man Comes Around). 2002
The hairs on your arm will stand up
At the terror in each sip and in each sup
Will you partake of that last offered cup
Or disappear into the potter’s ground?
When the man comes around

Shakespears Sister, Stay (Hormonally Yours). 1992
You’d better hope and pray
That you make it safe back to your own world
You’d better hope and pray
That you’ll wake one day in your own world
‘Cause when you sleep at night
They don’t hear your cries in your own world
Only time will tell
If you can break the spell back in your own world

Rush, Dreamline (Roll the Bones). 1991
We are young
Wandering the face of the earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we’re only immortal
For a limited time

Delta Spirit, Salt in the Wound (History from Below). 2010
Now with my heart wide open
I listen to the wind just for a word
Sure, I know it’s futile
But that’s all I have in this world

To look down from the hill and howl at the moon
All the tears I cried never salted any wounds
Well, the earth is so tender and cruel
Well, if you’re not there it’s still so beautiful

Hothouse Flowers, Stand Beside Me (Songs from the Rain). 1993
Oh sometimes, it’s still not that easy
No, sometimes, I’m not the man I think I am
Feel I am, hope I am, know I am

Stand beside me, stand beside me
Stand before me and behind me
So I can be true, so I can be true to my word

Kate Bush, This Woman’s Work (She’s Having A Baby soundtrack). 1988
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left

I should be crying but I just can’t let it show
I should be hoping but I can’t stop thinking

Of all the things I should’ve said
That I never said
All the things we should’ve done
Though we never did
All the things I should’ve given
But I didn’t
Oh, darling, make it go
Make it go away

Queensrÿche, Silent Lucidity (Empire). 1990
Hush now, don’t you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You’re lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream spinning in your head

Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To (Without Condition). 1999
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me, the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

David Baerwald, Born For Love (Triage). 1992
Last year I saw those pearly gates
Tried to shove my way through; they said you gotta wait
You’ve got to get some questions straight
Like why you were born
They said what do you think, that it was made for you
Why should anyone care what it is you do?
The course gets set you got to see it through
That’s why you were born

Shakespears Sister, Hello (Hormonally Yours). 1992
La, la, la, life is a strange thing.
Just when you think you learned how to use it,
It’s gone.

Lone Justice, You Are The Light (Lone Justice). 1985
Oh how you shine in my time of darkness
Oh how you shine when everything seems hopeless
You know how to help me when I can’t stand on my own
Don’t let go now

Queen, The Show Must Go On (Innuendo). 1991
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I’m aching to be free

The show must go on

Kacy Musgraves, Oh, What A World (Golden Hour). 2018
Oh, what a world, don’t wanna leave
All kinds of magic all around us, it’s hard to believe
Thank God it’s not too good to be true
Oh, what a world, and then there is you

Suzanne Santo, Save For Love (Yard Sale). 2021
When there’s shit to carry
Don’t be angry that it’s heavy
Honey, know you’re not alone
There’s arms here at the ready
To help you bear the load
No, it ain’t a one-way road
We gotta do this thing together and grow

Still it’s raining hell on all
No one’s gonna sleep through this one
There ain’t no shelter, ain’t no walls
That’s gonna hold it all together
Save for love

Damian Rice, Cold Water (O). 2002
Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I’ve got is your hand (surrounds me now)
Lord (can you hear me?)
Lord (can you hear me now?)

Michael W. Smith, Live the Life (Live the Life). 1998
For the world to know the truth
There can be no greater proof
Than to live the life, live the life
There’s no love that’s quite as pure
There’s no pain we can’t endure
If we live the life, live the life
Be a light for all to see
For every act of love will set you free

Carolyn Arends, Seize the Day (I Can Hear You). 1995
Seize the day seize whatever you can
‘Cause life slips away just like hourglass sand
Seize the day pray for grace from God’s hand
Then nothing will stand in your way
Seize the day

Rich Mullins, Creed (A Liturgy, A Legacy & a Ragamuffin Band). 1993
I believe in God the Father
Almighty Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son, our Lord
I believe in the Holy Spirit
One Holy Church
The communion of Saints
The forgiveness of sin
I believe in the resurrection
I believe in a life that never ends
And I believe what I believe is what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
I did not make it, no it is making me
I said I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man

Alanis Morissette, Thank U (Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie). 1998
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?
How ’bout not equating death with stopping?

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you, thank you silence

Amanda Cook, House on a Hill (House on a Hill). 2019
Allow Me to introduce Myself again
I was with you every place you’ve ever been
I’m the One that held you when you couldn’t stand
If you’re wondering who can heal your brokenness
I can, I can, I can

Texas, Winter’s End (Ricks Road). 1993
And it always makes things better
Now my days seem so much quieter
But I know
Yeah I know
It’ll never be the same again

Yes, Lift Me Up (Union). 1991
What to do I find it hard to know
Lord, the walk is not the one I chose

Lift me up and turn me over
Lead me on into the dawn
Take me to the highest mountain

Newsong, Sheltering Tree (Sheltering Tree). 2000
We all need sheltering trees
Friends in our lives who’ll get down on their knees
And lift us up before the king of kings
We all need sheltering trees

Rhonda Gunn, Higher Faith (I Wonder If). 1998
Miracles are mysteries
But they speak so clear to me
Of life’s uncertainty (I want to know)
The blessings we embrace
In this life are just a taste
Of a heaven that awaits (I want to go)

This journey is a trial
A heartache for awhile
But when it all comes down
I want to be found
With a higher faith

Alicia Keys, Good Job (Alicia). 2020
The mothers, the fathers
The teachers that reach us
Strangers to friends
That show up in the end
From the bottom to the top
The listeners that hear us
This is for you
You make me fearless

S.G. Goodman, Space And Time (Old Time Feeling). 2020
Want you to know
I never wanna leave this world without saying I love you
Without saying what you mean to me
You know it makes me happy, oh, when we share this space and time
Want you to know you shaped this heart of mine
And I never wanna leave this world, oh, without saying I love you

Queen, These Are the Days of Our Lives (Innuendo). 1991
No use in sitting and thinkin’ on what you did
When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids

Those were the days of our lives
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing is true
When I look and I find I still love you

Rush, Bravado (Roll the Bones). 1991
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost

Kansas, Incident On A Bridge (Drastic Measures). 1983
The world has a lot to give,
but it’s worthless if you don’t live
And life only comes from the one who made it
When I look back and see the plan,
when I retrace the race we ran
The course was so clear and true,
each bridge that we crossed led me straight to you

Rush, Time Stand Still (Hold Your Fire). 1987
Summer’s going fast
Nights growing colder
Children growing up
Old friends growing older

Freeze this moment
A little bit longer
Make each sensation
A little bit stronger

Peter Gabriel, Solsbury Hill (Peter Gabriel). 1977
To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
‘Til I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going “Boom-boom-boom”
“Hey”, he said
“Grab your things, I’ve come to take you home”

Josh Garrels, Bread and Wine (Love & War & the Sea in Between). 2011
There’s some things we can’t live without,
A man’s so prone to doubt,
Faithful are the wounds from friends.
So give it just a little time,
Share some bread and wine
Weave your heart into mine,
My friend

Pink Martini, Hang on Little Tomato (Hang on Little Tomato). 2004
And so I hold on to this advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

Rush, The Garden (Clockwork Angels). 2012
The measure of a life is a measure of love and respect
So hard to earn, so easily burned

In the fullness of time
A garden to nurture and protect
It’s a measure of a life

The treasure of a life
Is a measure of love and respect
The way you live, the gifts that you give

In the fullness of time
Is the only return that you expect

Supertramp, Ever Open Door (Brother Where You Bound). 1985
I’m gonna take all my chances
Gonna make my advances
Gonna see what my life has in store
I’ve got a feeling inside me
I’ll put the past way behind me
Pick myself up from the floor
I want my sun in the morning
Want my friends to come calling
I’ll keep a welcome outside my door