87 Days – The Musical!

I get stuck. I write. I take time off. I get an idea and add it to the outline. I pray. I start to write. I get stuck. I take time off.

I’m one of those 80s kids who could make a mean mix tape. I started with a Panasonic dual cassette boombox recording songs off of Casey Kasem’s American Top 40 radio show on Sunday nights. In college I had begun to build a multi-component stereo system (Technics speakers, amplifier/radio, Sanyo dual cassette deck, a Sanyo turntable and a Technics CD player) and became very proficient. Armed with CDs, cassettes, albums and TDK blank cassettes I loved to put together a mixed bag of music to listen to while “cruising the drag” in my hometown of Schuyler, Nebraska, and to share those tapes with friends who themselves would put a mix of music together.

All of this was to culminate in my magnum opus, a mix of music I dubbed “…and the Pope will tap dance” complete with an ink sketch I’d drawn on the blank tape’s paper insert of Pope John Paul II in his cassock and mitre, dancing a jig while holding his staff. I was not Catholic at the time and by no means at all did I mean it in any disrespect. He was drawn with a wry smile and twinkling eyes in the way that I as a Protestant saw him: a happy warrior for Christ. The masterpiece on this tape was a 20+ minute mix that contained 5-10 second snippets from every song on the first three CDs by the Kansas City area band “The Rainmakers”. They melded seamlessly together and the lyrics all just sort of “fit” and I was ridiculously proud of that mix. I gifted it to buddies of mine who were a year behind me in college. I had graduated the year before in 1990 and this was to be my swan song when it came to mixing music. The incredibly quick demise of cassettes and then CDs assured that. I don’t even have a turntable or a cassette deck in my house or my cars anymore.

I guess it should come as no surprise then that the first glimpse of what I’ve been trying to write down is going to be expressed through a musical hodge-podge of my experience. These are songs and selected lyrics that will take you from the day I was diagnosed and shortly thereafter admitted into the isolation unit, to my struggles with realizing with the passing of each day that I was getting worse, to my complete confession to Fr. Steele and his anointing me with holy oil, and then my descent into the blackness of the first intubation. I would awaken nine days later and be weaned from the ventilator a few days later. Then came the intense paranoia, hallucinations, terror, and what I thought was my collapse into madness. Peace came, along with having received Last Rites, and an encounter with God. A second intubation, an incredibly powerful prayer experience on my birthday of January 1st, and the tracheostomy that would save my life followed. An eventual removal from the ventilator a second time, being too weak to move, sit or stand, rehab, intense therapy, and eventually coming home. God winks/moments and encounters with so many just incredible people throughout.

See why it’s taking me so long to write this down?

So I have an outline. I have a lot of it there. I just need to organize it into something that flows well enough to be interesting and easy to follow.

Music is so much easier.

So because I have become highly proficient over the last six years in using video and iMovie on my iPhone (recording and splicing video of my son playing baseball) I decided to use it to create a mix tape of the “soundtrack” I had begun to compose in my bed during the last few weeks of rehab in January and February of 2022. Eighty-five percent of the songs and specific lyrics came to me during that time period and in the first weeks I was at home and limited to my recliner and ever-present oxygen. I compiled it as a tool to help me organize my thoughts and to outline the book. I also thought each set of lyrics would make a nice intro at the start of every chapter, though I suspect copyright laws/permissions would squash that out of the gate.

I would be remiss if I did not mention that a lot of these lyrics came to my mind during periods of silent prayer. They just barged in, rattled around the joint awhile until I noticed, and inserted themselves. The lyrics to these songs are meant to express my voice and thoughts, the voice of God in His speaking to me and in the voice of my wife who was a constant on this journey. There are a few other persons in there too I’m sure.

I listen to this mix often on my commute to or from work. It isn’t always easy. Depending on my mood there are a few places that can make me uncomfortable. With each listening however it does seem to get easier. There is such therapeutic tonic in music. And being a storyteller I have always loved a good lyric. I wasn’t sure if I was going to compile this or not until I spoke with an old, dear friend of mine who I’ve known since those heady days of mix tapes. She used to make them too, and we shared one or two back in the early 90s and always seemed to be on a very similar wavelength music-wise. She has found herself starting over at the age of 50, having gone through a divorce, and a few months ago she shared with me through Apple Music a playlist (a modern term for the outdated “mix tape”) that she had created for comfort as she struck out on her own again. After I’d created mine I shared it with her and she quite astutely immediately picked up on what I was saying through Peter Gabriel’s lyrics in Solsbury Hill.

I must pause here to point out that playlists are dangerous things because there is no limit to the number of songs or length as there were with the old TDK90 minute cassettes. You had to choose your songs carefully so they fit on a side. The worse feeling in the world was when you still had a few more seconds or minutes to go on that last song you were dubbing onto the mix tape and having the Record button pop up because you’d reached the end of the tape. The frustrated moans of many an 80s kid can still be heard floating around in the air over almost every part of this nation. For comparison my list is compiled of 47 songs that would equal 3 hours and 52 minutes of listening. My friend’s list is comprised of 125 songs and is 9 hours and 20 minutes long. Quite impressive!

I find that since my experience two years ago I am an absolute klutz at speaking to people and have a terribly frustrating and embarrassing time trying to convey thoughts on the fly. I’ve become quite the imbecile and for a social communicator like myself who loves and welcomes conversation with friends it’s torture. Ironically no such issues exist when I type. I’ve typed all of the above in fifteen minutes and have yet to back up or delete anything. Of course perhaps I should, and definitely will be using an editor once my book draft is complete. But this is the easiest way for me to express myself.

In the typewritten word. And in music.

It took me only a few hours over the course of two days to complete this mix on my iPhone using iMovie. So why can’t I finish this book? Until I do, this 28 minutes of music will have to suffice. In all seriousness I do hope that it somehow and in some way brings some semblance of peace or solace to someone who needs to hear it. That is my prayer.

Rich Mullins, Calling Out Your Name (The World as Best as I Remember It, Volume One). 1992
Well the moon moved past Nebraska
And spilled laughter on them cold Dakota Hills
And angels danced on Jacob’s stairs
Yeah, they danced on Jacob’s stairs
There is this silence in the Badlands
And over Kansas the whole universe was stilled
By the whisper of a prayer
The whisper of a prayer

Maria McKee, Why Wasn’t I More Grateful (You Gotta Sin to Get Saved). 1993
Some people want and want and want what they don’t have 
‘Til it keeps ‘em awake at night in their bed just twitchin’ 
Some people like to complain about ev’ry little thing 
Some folks just never stop bitchin’ 

Rush, The Pass (Presto). 1989
All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars

Hothouse Flowers, The Older We Get (People). 1988
The older we get, the farther we see
The more we mean to each other
The more you mean to me

Nanci Griffith, The Sun, Moon and Stars (Late Night Grande Hotel). 1991
The sun, the moon and the stars
They make the wind blow
It took me twenty years to understand
But lost to me are how the lives of friends go
Like autumn leaves in Oklahoma wind

Collective Soul, The World I Know (Collective Soul). 1995
Are we listening
To hymns of offering?
Have we eyes to see
That love is gathering?
All the words that I’ve been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one, into one

The Kinks, Lost and Found (Think Visual). 1986
This thing is bigger than the both of us 
It’s gonna put us in our place 
We’re gonna see what really matters 
When you see that storm stare us in the face

Rich Mullins (feat. Amy Grant), Nothing Is Beyond You (The Jesus Record). 1998
If I should shrink back from the light
So I can sink into the dark
If I take cover and I close my eyes
Even then You would see my heart

And You’d cut through all my pain and rage
The darkness is not dark to You
And night’s as bright as day

Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush, Don’t Give Up (So). 1986
Rest your head
You worry too much
It’s going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don’t give up
Please don’t give up

Genesis, Fading Lights (We Can’t Dance). 1991
We know some time we must reach the final page
Still we carry on just pretending
That there’ll always be one more day to go

Rich Mullins, Hold Me Jesus (Rich Mullins). 1986
Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down I’m falling on my knees

Roger Waters, Comfortably Numb 2022 (The Lockdown Sessions). 2022
Relax
I’ll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying

Johnny Cash, The Man Comes Around (American IV: The Man Comes Around). 2002
The hairs on your arm will stand up
At the terror in each sip and in each sup
Will you partake of that last offered cup
Or disappear into the potter’s ground?
When the man comes around

Shakespears Sister, Stay (Hormonally Yours). 1992
You’d better hope and pray
That you make it safe back to your own world
You’d better hope and pray
That you’ll wake one day in your own world
‘Cause when you sleep at night
They don’t hear your cries in your own world
Only time will tell
If you can break the spell back in your own world

Rush, Dreamline (Roll the Bones). 1991
We are young
Wandering the face of the earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we’re only immortal
For a limited time

Delta Spirit, Salt in the Wound (History from Below). 2010
Now with my heart wide open
I listen to the wind just for a word
Sure, I know it’s futile
But that’s all I have in this world

To look down from the hill and howl at the moon
All the tears I cried never salted any wounds
Well, the earth is so tender and cruel
Well, if you’re not there it’s still so beautiful

Hothouse Flowers, Stand Beside Me (Songs from the Rain). 1993
Oh sometimes, it’s still not that easy
No, sometimes, I’m not the man I think I am
Feel I am, hope I am, know I am

Stand beside me, stand beside me
Stand before me and behind me
So I can be true, so I can be true to my word

Kate Bush, This Woman’s Work (She’s Having A Baby soundtrack). 1988
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left

I should be crying but I just can’t let it show
I should be hoping but I can’t stop thinking

Of all the things I should’ve said
That I never said
All the things we should’ve done
Though we never did
All the things I should’ve given
But I didn’t
Oh, darling, make it go
Make it go away

Queensrÿche, Silent Lucidity (Empire). 1990
Hush now, don’t you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You’re lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream spinning in your head

Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To (Without Condition). 1999
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me, the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

David Baerwald, Born For Love (Triage). 1992
Last year I saw those pearly gates
Tried to shove my way through; they said you gotta wait
You’ve got to get some questions straight
Like why you were born
They said what do you think, that it was made for you
Why should anyone care what it is you do?
The course gets set you got to see it through
That’s why you were born

Shakespears Sister, Hello (Hormonally Yours). 1992
La, la, la, life is a strange thing.
Just when you think you learned how to use it,
It’s gone.

Lone Justice, You Are The Light (Lone Justice). 1985
Oh how you shine in my time of darkness
Oh how you shine when everything seems hopeless
You know how to help me when I can’t stand on my own
Don’t let go now

Queen, The Show Must Go On (Innuendo). 1991
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I’m aching to be free

The show must go on

Kacy Musgraves, Oh, What A World (Golden Hour). 2018
Oh, what a world, don’t wanna leave
All kinds of magic all around us, it’s hard to believe
Thank God it’s not too good to be true
Oh, what a world, and then there is you

Suzanne Santo, Save For Love (Yard Sale). 2021
When there’s shit to carry
Don’t be angry that it’s heavy
Honey, know you’re not alone
There’s arms here at the ready
To help you bear the load
No, it ain’t a one-way road
We gotta do this thing together and grow

Still it’s raining hell on all
No one’s gonna sleep through this one
There ain’t no shelter, ain’t no walls
That’s gonna hold it all together
Save for love

Damian Rice, Cold Water (O). 2002
Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I’ve got is your hand (surrounds me now)
Lord (can you hear me?)
Lord (can you hear me now?)

Michael W. Smith, Live the Life (Live the Life). 1998
For the world to know the truth
There can be no greater proof
Than to live the life, live the life
There’s no love that’s quite as pure
There’s no pain we can’t endure
If we live the life, live the life
Be a light for all to see
For every act of love will set you free

Carolyn Arends, Seize the Day (I Can Hear You). 1995
Seize the day seize whatever you can
‘Cause life slips away just like hourglass sand
Seize the day pray for grace from God’s hand
Then nothing will stand in your way
Seize the day

Rich Mullins, Creed (A Liturgy, A Legacy & a Ragamuffin Band). 1993
I believe in God the Father
Almighty Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son, our Lord
I believe in the Holy Spirit
One Holy Church
The communion of Saints
The forgiveness of sin
I believe in the resurrection
I believe in a life that never ends
And I believe what I believe is what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
I did not make it, no it is making me
I said I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man

Alanis Morissette, Thank U (Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie). 1998
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?
How ’bout not equating death with stopping?

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you, thank you silence

Amanda Cook, House on a Hill (House on a Hill). 2019
Allow Me to introduce Myself again
I was with you every place you’ve ever been
I’m the One that held you when you couldn’t stand
If you’re wondering who can heal your brokenness
I can, I can, I can

Texas, Winter’s End (Ricks Road). 1993
And it always makes things better
Now my days seem so much quieter
But I know
Yeah I know
It’ll never be the same again

Yes, Lift Me Up (Union). 1991
What to do I find it hard to know
Lord, the walk is not the one I chose

Lift me up and turn me over
Lead me on into the dawn
Take me to the highest mountain

Newsong, Sheltering Tree (Sheltering Tree). 2000
We all need sheltering trees
Friends in our lives who’ll get down on their knees
And lift us up before the king of kings
We all need sheltering trees

Rhonda Gunn, Higher Faith (I Wonder If). 1998
Miracles are mysteries
But they speak so clear to me
Of life’s uncertainty (I want to know)
The blessings we embrace
In this life are just a taste
Of a heaven that awaits (I want to go)

This journey is a trial
A heartache for awhile
But when it all comes down
I want to be found
With a higher faith

Alicia Keys, Good Job (Alicia). 2020
The mothers, the fathers
The teachers that reach us
Strangers to friends
That show up in the end
From the bottom to the top
The listeners that hear us
This is for you
You make me fearless

S.G. Goodman, Space And Time (Old Time Feeling). 2020
Want you to know
I never wanna leave this world without saying I love you
Without saying what you mean to me
You know it makes me happy, oh, when we share this space and time
Want you to know you shaped this heart of mine
And I never wanna leave this world, oh, without saying I love you

Queen, These Are the Days of Our Lives (Innuendo). 1991
No use in sitting and thinkin’ on what you did
When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids

Those were the days of our lives
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing is true
When I look and I find I still love you

Rush, Bravado (Roll the Bones). 1991
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost

Kansas, Incident On A Bridge (Drastic Measures). 1983
The world has a lot to give,
but it’s worthless if you don’t live
And life only comes from the one who made it
When I look back and see the plan,
when I retrace the race we ran
The course was so clear and true,
each bridge that we crossed led me straight to you

Rush, Time Stand Still (Hold Your Fire). 1987
Summer’s going fast
Nights growing colder
Children growing up
Old friends growing older

Freeze this moment
A little bit longer
Make each sensation
A little bit stronger

Peter Gabriel, Solsbury Hill (Peter Gabriel). 1977
To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
‘Til I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going “Boom-boom-boom”
“Hey”, he said
“Grab your things, I’ve come to take you home”

Josh Garrels, Bread and Wine (Love & War & the Sea in Between). 2011
There’s some things we can’t live without,
A man’s so prone to doubt,
Faithful are the wounds from friends.
So give it just a little time,
Share some bread and wine
Weave your heart into mine,
My friend

Pink Martini, Hang on Little Tomato (Hang on Little Tomato). 2004
And so I hold on to this advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

Rush, The Garden (Clockwork Angels). 2012
The measure of a life is a measure of love and respect
So hard to earn, so easily burned

In the fullness of time
A garden to nurture and protect
It’s a measure of a life

The treasure of a life
Is a measure of love and respect
The way you live, the gifts that you give

In the fullness of time
Is the only return that you expect

Supertramp, Ever Open Door (Brother Where You Bound). 1985
I’m gonna take all my chances
Gonna make my advances
Gonna see what my life has in store
I’ve got a feeling inside me
I’ll put the past way behind me
Pick myself up from the floor
I want my sun in the morning
Want my friends to come calling
I’ll keep a welcome outside my door

Removed

Heather King has been in Rome for a few weeks. A few days ago she wrote about something that’s been on my mind a lot: our ongoing obsession with screens.

Never have I seen the throngs of folks wielding selfie sticks like the throngs at St. Peter’s in Rome. The whole scene was too much for me and I gave away my tickets to the Papal Mass and a Papal Audience in favor of wandering elsewhere, in particular along the banks of the Tiber.

[snip]

I’ve thought a lot about the phenomenon of posting our life instead of living it. On FB, no-one says I’m having a bad time, this place sucks, I feel lonely, depressed, and unloved, I just ate a ripoff meal. We don’t travel. We just move our body to a new place so we can have a different background for our Instagram pix.

I know, I know. Not another blog about how self-centered we all are with our phones. It’s been done to death and I agree. But I want to continue in the vein not of selfies, but of how we’ve become together alone. I’ve noticed this when walking around downtown, eating a meal at a restaurant, or even at a red light in traffic while looking into the car next to me. Literally no one is looking at their surroundings or at the people with them, usually the people we purport to love and care for the most. And, I’m ashamed to admit, I’ve noticed the same in my own living room at night. After supper we’ll sit down for a little while together as a family and as I pause to look up from where I’ve been catching up on my Twitter feed, my wife is looking into her phone, as my son is staring at his iPod and my daughter into her tablet. I look over at the dog’s bed in the corner of our living room and he’s looking at all of us, waiting for…something. I’m not sure. A discussion maybe? For someone to laugh and communicate in some manner? I imagine it all looks rather lonely to a beagle. Imagine how it would be to be a toddler or young child in a family who’s attention is not on each other, but on some handheld device. A cold, impersonal device.

“We have to accept that technological products are not neutral, for they create a framework which ends up conditioning lifestyles …. The idea of promoting a different cultural paradigm and employing technology as a mere instrument is nowadays inconceivable.” — Pope Francis, Laudato Si (2015)

On Oct. 21, 2015 I received an email letter from President Kevin Roberts of Wyoming Catholic College. I’m on this list because at one point I’d hoped my oldest son would attend school there. I’m going to quote parts of it.

At Wyoming Catholic College, we recognize the immense distractedness that cell phones create. Our policy requiring students to check-in their phones at the beginning of each semester fosters an environment in which we are truly present to others. From visitors to campus to employers of our graduates, many people remark at the joy and presence of our students. Though many factors can be attributed to those characteristics, we can attest to the absence of cell phones being a significant contributor.

Outside our WCC community, there is mounting evidence that we’d all would be well-served to untether ourselves from cell phones, even if for just a short while each day. From legitimate concerns about brain health to a recent report about teens’ posture being affected by overuse of cell phones, it is not an exaggeration to say that immoderate use of a tool has impacted humans negatively.

The most profound evidence of that problem may be photographer Eric Pickersgill’s new project, “Removed.” Pickersgill’s series of photographs capture the most normal of moments: families in the dining room, a couple reading at bedtime, and friends enjoying a barbecue. What’s captivating about each picture is that Pickersgill used software to remove the cell phone from each person’s hand, creating a stark image of how focused we are on our phones.

I’m going to break in here and urge you to click on the link to Pickersgill’s project right now. Here is that link again. I haven’t placed any of his photos in this blog post for copyright reasons. But these are among the most powerful, even haunting, photos I’ve ever seen. This is what we are saying is important to us. This is our priority. This is our downfall.

On his site Pickersgill says he got the idea while sitting in a café one morning and wrote the following observation:

Family sitting next to me at Illium café in Troy, NY is so disconnected from one another. Not much talking. Father and two daughters have their own phones out. Mom doesn’t have one or chooses to leave it put away. She stares out the window, sad and alone in the company of her closest family. Dad looks up every so often to announce some obscure piece of info he found online. Twice he goes on about a large fish that was caught. No one replies. I am saddened by the use of technology for interaction in exchange for not interacting. This has never happened before and I doubt we have scratched the surface of the social impact of this new experience. Mom has her phone out now.

The image of that family, the mother’s face, the teenage girls’ and their father’s posture and focus on the palm of their own hands has been burned in my mind. It was one of those moments where you see something so amazingly common that it startles you into consciousness of what’s actually happening and it is impossible to forget. I see this family at the grocery store, in classrooms, on the side of the highway and in my own bed as I fall asleep next to my wife. We rest back to back on our sides coddling our small, cold, illuminated devices every night.

President Roberts continued:

If you have doubted the naysayers about cell phone overuse, or questioned the wisdom of WCC’s cell phone policy, take a few moments to view and contemplate the photographs in “Removed.” They will convince you of the disordered obsession with our phones, which comes at the expense of the people in our company.

As I mention frequently, solutions to most of our social, cultural, and political problems begin with each of us taking small steps. Consider, therefore, what you can do to improve our genuine, face-to-face engagement with others. Imagine a dinner, a conversation, a meeting where each participant decides to put away their phone. Call instead of sending a text message.

We may very well learn again to prioritize the human persons in front of us, rather than the ephemeral appeal of a text message, Facebook post, or e-mail.

Back to Heather King’s blog for a minute to catch her ending:

Ticking, say, the seven basilicas of Rome off my checklist doesn’t make me a Catholic. What makes me a Catholic—a follower of Christ; fully human—is the way I see the world, experience the world. My poverty and need. My imagination, that sees the whole world as consecrated, redeemable. My human heart that, as all human hearts must be, is pierced through with a sword.

Chesterton said that “Culture is the art of growing things.” There is no growth if we do not cultivate and nurture our relationships with the people around us. There can be no family, no neighborhood and no community. There can be no culture.

This is what we miss when engrossed in our screens. We miss that part of our humanity in which we interact with and see the world. We are not just not communicating with those other humans that are with us, we are not communicating with nature, and by extension, the world itself. We do not see the world through our eyes, but through the eyes of an interpreter on the other end of that screen. We have abdicated our humanity and, ironically, our ability to have the choice we so ardently demand and desire. Any chance at having a mystical experience is removed, as is our ability to make our own mere observations.

Two years ago this November our household disconnected the satellite cable. Not only have we saved $2500 in two years but we haven’t missed it at all. I don’t feel that we and our kids are luddites, disconnected from the world. To be fair, into that vacuum rushed a different screen, proving that there will always be a vacuum if you are not careful. This is our next challenge as a family. This is the thing-that-must-be-removed. And then we must be prepared to fill that space.

Simply stated, we must be prepared to replace what we remove.

_________________

In the modern world the individual no longer faces silence, no longer faces the community, but faces only the universal noise. The individual stands between noise and silence. He is isolated from noise and isolated from silence. He is forlorn. ~ Max Picard, The World of Silence, page 65

 

What St. Francis de Sales pointed out to me about social media

My edition of An Introduction to the Devout Life

If unholy words are used secretly and with deliberate intention, they are infinitely more poisonous; for just as in proportion to its sharpness and point a dart enters easily into the body, so the more pointed a bad word, the further it penetrates the heart. Those who fancy that it is clever to introduce such things in society, do not know its aim, which should be like that of a hive of bees, gathered together to make honey, that is for pleasant and virtuous intercourse; and not like a nest of wasps which will feed upon anything however unclean. If any foolish person speaks to you in unbecoming language, show that your ears are offended, either by turning away from him, or by whatever means may be most discreet at the time.

A spirit of mockery is one of the worst imperfections of the mind, and displeases God greatly, so that He has often punished it most severely. Nothing is more hurtful to charity, and still more to devotion, than contempt and derision of our neighbor, and such is inevitably found in mockery. For this reason it has been said that mockery is the greatest insult a man can offer his neighbor, inasmuch as in other offenses he does not altogether cease to respect the person whom he offends, but in this he despises and contemns him.

St. Francis de Sales (1567-1622), An Introduction to the Devout Life (Chapter 27)

There was a time in my life, mostly during college, when I wielded my tongue like a sword, sarcastically ripping to shreds anyone who entered my crosshairs of the moment. Persons who wronged me, wronged friends of mine, or those who were just plain wrong (in my opinion) were all sliced and diced. Disguising this “talent” with dry humor and a quick flash, I left many a bloody body in my wake. Or at least I fancied that I did. Truthfully my targets rarely knew they’d been cut. My comments were made mostly to a group of friends who enjoyed engaging in such exercises as this with me. They were underclassmen and I’m ashamed to say I learned later that they really looked up to me as an example and even carried on this behavior after I graduated. I was to learn of this a year or two later while seated around a bonfire at a college party when I went back to visit them.

It was embarrassing and quite frankly horrified me to learn this. When the mirror was held up to my face I saw just how angry, bitter and wrong I was to speak like that about people, but also that I’d set an example that influenced guys that I really cared about, perpetuating the behavior. The odd thing was that during my senior year I had been the opposite of angry or bitter. It was in fact when of the happiest years of my life.

Looking back on that experience causes me to shudder when I think of how I would have acted were social media around in those days. I do not envy at all my children or their peers who are navigating through this minefield now. But as adults we now use the tools of social media and what I see is not encouraging to say the least. Those who are supposed to be the more mature among us are setting a terrible example for the next generation by acting like, well…children. It finally got so bad that almost three weeks ago I deactivated my Facebook account. The final straw for me came when a man whom I’ve known for thirty years reacted strongly and in a defensive posture when I posted a rare (for me) meme involving a politician (if you consider Donald Trump a politician). It was merely the latest of such “conversations” I’ve watched unfold between old and dear friends, and it was disheartening.

When I first joined Facebook in 2009 it was to monitor my oldest son who had opened an account. As I made new friends and found old ones, it was a really cool place to catch up, discuss events in our lives, and tell stories. There seemed to be some thought put into comments that were typed, and the replies contained even more thought. But then the worst thing that could happen, happened. The Facebook smartphone app was invented. Facebook became a home for photos of food (I love you dearly but I do not need to see the awesome grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup you had for lunch), videos of funny (or unfunny) cats. Viral video was born, and memes. Facebook became more of a visual cafeteria than one of discussion because it was easier. Have you ever tried to type out a coherent well-thought out sentence on a smartphone screen with one finger? It took too much time in a world that wanted speed over substance. Speed caused a reduction in courtesy, and quick reactionary (and often inflammatory) commentary rules the day. Reading some comments one can imagine hearing the slamming of fingers onto the poor phone’s screen as the words were pecked out.

I watched this play out in real time on Twitter this morning. One of the first things I watched was an autoplay video someone retweeted from BuzzFeed of the live on-air execution of a television reporter and her cameraman as they interviewed a representative from that Virginia city’s chamber of commerce. With the horror fresh on the screen and their screams still echoing in our ears the feed was cut back to the studio and the stunned face of the woman behind the anchor desk. Amidst the cries from Twitter in the comments asking/telling/demanding/begging BuzzFeed to remove this video out of respect for the families of the dead (the cameraman’s fiancé was in the control room back at the station watching the entire event live), almost immediately ugly politics entered the fray. Comments screamed out that the shooter was obviously a Muslim/Black/White/Democrat/Republican/NRA-supporting/illegal immigrant/Tea Partying nutjob, amirite???

(I’ve provided no links nor further commentary as this story continues to develop as I write. I understand the shooter just shot himself a few minutes ago. You’ll have to seek out information on your own.)

I decided to avoid Twitter for the rest of the day.

The political realm is the worst, followed by “the cause”. But this would involve a whole other post that I don’t wish to write about now. Mostly what got to me was the sheer hypocrisy of most. Posts or photos of Zen sayings quoting Buddha or some other eastern mystic extolling the virtues of maintaining peace by being kind to others were followed by photos or news stories mocking a politician/celebrity/reality show star. I had one friend who did this regularly. She would quote Rumi one minute and in the next shred Sarah Palin with a “smirk”. I’m not a Palin fan necessarily, but after awhile the hypocrisy of it all got really old.

Our attentions spans have grown so short that we contradict ourselves within minutes.

We say things to each other (or passively-aggressively past each other) in our status updates or Tweets that we would never say directly to the face of our targets. What I’m seeing is a very public repeating of the crap I pulled as a 21-22 year old by people whom I respect and who, quite honestly, should know better. Should we really be surprised when our children do the same, or speak that way to us? Before I closed my Twitter today I saw a tweet from a priest I follow in which he pointed to evidence that our children are, in fact, watching how we conduct ourselves as adults. Not just in the homes, I would add, but online as well.

I will be reactivating my Facebook soon, though not after today’s events in Virginia. I’ll wait awhile. I realized yesterday that it is the only place I can access some poetry and song lyrics sent to me by a good friend who is pretty good at those things. I will not access it with my phone’s app and my time there will be greatly diminished during the day. I’ve kept Facebook all these years because it is a great way to stay in touch with family and close friends from around the country. But I will also be removing those who “poison” my well, so to speak, by conducting themselves more as wasps and less like bees as alluded to by St. Francis.

The more cynical or those considering themselves the paragons of irony will no doubt sneer at this statement. They are the wasps. I truly do not care. Someone has to draw the line somewhere and Saint Francis de Sales carries more weight with me.

Besides, he was right.

Random Thoughts from Thanksgiving weekend

My oldest son had as an assignment the task of interviewing someone who lived through the 1980s and chose me as his interviewee. I don’t recall much of the 20 minute interview conducted yesterday (Sunday) or its questions but I do remember addressing the subject of communication. I described for him the differences in my childhood and mine with regards to technological innovations such as cell phones, smartphones, texting, the internet and social media. As I described sitting on the stairs in the house where I grew up, stretching the phone cord as far as it would go so that I could sit higher on the stairs while talking to my girlfriend and eek out a little more privacy, I could see him chuckling in an attempt to comprehend my actions. Especially since he’d spent much of the extended Thanksgiving weekend exchanging texts with his girlfriend and as far as I know has never in his life seen a phone cord.

Remember these?

I closed that portion of the interview with words to the effect that while we have more quantity in our communications I’m not sure we have more quality. There are more means available than ever for us to access information and communicate with the world around us, but I questioned whether our ability for meaningful personal communication has suffered. I mentioned how we are more alone than ever.

And then this morning I saw this. I don’t post it to be a smarty-pants and say I’m prescient. I post it merely for edification. And for your information. We are together alone.

*****

How to counter this? Here’s a hint of what I use.

Prayer is man’s richest boon. It is his light, his nourishment, and his very life, for it brings him into communication with God, who is light, nourishment, and life.  – General Preface to The Liturgical Year, Vol. 1, by Dom Prosper Gueranger.

*****

As usual my plans for this time of year include a lot of reflection, study and prayer. I formed this habit fifteen years ago when I was a small business owner. Sales for my line of work (small business advertising) would slow down and allow me two weeks of unfettered review, planning, goal-setting, etc. For the last ten years I’ve been back in corporate America and no longer own my own business. While I don’t have all that free time I do still make it a point to reflect, to plan, and to pray.

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One of the ways I am doing this is by the use of three books and a journal. By combining The Better Part, the Catena Aurea and The Ancient Christian Commentary on Scripture I plan to slowly make my way through all four gospels and write reflections and points of interest as I go. I only started a few weeks ago but in that short time have learned more about Matthew’s Gospel than I had before, and I’m only just finished with the first chapter of verse.

[I realized that the above paragraph and the books I cite make me appear a pretty stuffy dude. All that’s missing is a tweed jacket with elbow patches and a pipe, right? Actually, I’m just a guy who has invested in some good sets of books over the past decade and is finally figuring out how to use them. I mean, the Catena Aurea was written and compiled by St. Thomas Aquinas for Pete’s sake! While it ain’t exactly a page-turner or an easy summer read, it’s perhaps the “richest” set of books I own. It took me over six or seven years to acquire the full ACC 29-volume set as I did it via an installment plan. One volume arrived every 2-3 months until the set was complete. See my note on books as an investment at the very end of this blog. Now please excuse me as I light my pipe and look for space to build more shelves.]

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Maybe I am just a fuddy-duddy. A fuddy-duddy that reads good books and drinks good Scotch.

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I also plan to read the recent work of Pope Francis: Evangelii Gaudium or The Joy of the Gospel. I hadn’t thought much about it and almost missed its release in all the hub-bub surrounding Thanskgiving and a busy week of work leading up to the holiday. But anything that can upset persons from both sides of the political aisle as varied as Rush Limbaugh and those at MSNBC is worth reading. Pope Francis appears to be upsetting people left and right and brings to mind another figure from two thousand years ago, a man controversial in his time who said some rather uncomfortable things.

*****

Thanksgiving morning

Thanksgiving morning found me waking up at my in-law’s farm in south central Nebraska. It was an overcast morning, chilled by a wind that swept across the fields. I showered and dressed for Thanksgiving Mass, and afterwards went for a walk on the farm with my breviary. I stopped at a spot facing south across the fields and prayed Morning Prayer while watching my brother-in-law’s cows walk in for some feed. His daughter introduced my young daughter to some of the cows later that morning, particularly those she named. There was Buttercup, Cookie Dough, Ginger, Oreo and Minty. Samantha explained in great detail to Sophie how some of the young cows lacked manners and she was putting them through a finishing school of sorts to teach them to not be so pushy at feeding time. Then she walked us to the chicken house, introduced us to the group, and allowed Sophie to feed them as well. Being in an enclosed space with a rooster crowing every few seconds brought me back to a childhood morning when I was my daughter’s age on my first sleepover at a friend’s house in eastern South Dakota where I grew up. Terry’s chickens were loud, too.

*****

The four-day extended weekend went by much too fast. Friday we were back at home and visited with my parents who were in town. Since we were blessed with terrific weather overall and were able to spend time outdoors my boys and I raked leaves and filled too many recyclable sacks. At one point I paused to smell the unique aroma that is dead, dusty leaves and wished for another unique smell of autumn that is no longer possible due to city fire codes: the smell made by small piles of leaves as they smolder and burn.

We also disposed of all of the October pumpkins and gourds. They were getting a little soggy and soft.

On Saturday afternoon while playing football in the backyard with my three kids we saw several “v” formations of geese flying and honking overhead.

And on Saturday night while my oldest took a break from texting his girlfriend to treat her to a movie, a few of us had a movie night of our own at home. As you can see, Buster wasn’t really into the movie.

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We finished our weekend on Sunday in Aurora, Nebraska, to attend the confirmation of my nephew at St. Mary’s Church. It was the first Mass they’d had in their small parish in six months after undergoing a beautiful restoration and renovation process. It was the first time since his installation a year ago that I’d attended an event with our new bishop, Bishop James Conley, and I was unsurprised that I was as impressed with him in person as I’d been while reading about him.

Afterwards we drove to my brother-in-law’s home to eat still more food and visit with family. As we were leaving Jonah and Sophie noticed that some sheep had escaped their pen and were wandering in an open space in the yard. After my nephews rounded them back into their pen my daughter did what she’s learned to do best over the weekend: feed farm animals.

Feed my sheep

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I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, however you chose to celebrate it. I can’t honestly say that I took time to reflect upon blessings or “count my blessings”, but after re-reading the few blurbs written above perhaps it’s because I was too busy living those blessings and sanctifying Time. As I move into the next few weeks of Advent in which I look forward to Christmas, I hope you will also join me in your own personal ways.

Reflecting. Planning. And praying.

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[Personal Note: When I bought the hardcover Jubilee Edition of Gueranger’s fifteen volume set in 2001 I did spend some coin. However the price on Amazon quite honestly shocked me. To see new and unused editions of the set selling for almost $3,000 seems ridiculous. I don’t buy books as a monetary investment but as an intellectual and spiritual investment. The publisher, Loreto Publications, is now offering a softcover set of all fifteen volumes for a much more reasonable price in case you would be interested in this very interesting work of a favorite monk of mine. Yes, I do have favorite monks. Go figure.]

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Photo credits: All are mine, except the phone cord. For that one credit must go here.

On Listening

Loving does not necessarily mean liking. But still it is loving, yes—totally, completely, utterly. Take the key of wisdom and unlock your own heart. Then let people in, one by one. Listen to them with full attention, with all your mind, heart, soul and body, unto exhaustion. And look!—the exhaustion will be lifted, and you will be able to listen still more. Yes, love must be communicated person to person; otherwise it will not be effective.

– Catherine Doherty, Molchanie: The Silence of God.